The Martial Ards

I saw Jean-Claude Van Damme at the gym the other night, or as he's more amusingly known, JCVD. Apparently he has a suite at one of the hotels in Vancouver, and just popped down to the gym to do a little stretching that he obviously couldn't manage to get done at home. I was warming up in the aerobics room for my combination nude pilates and mud-wrestling class, and I only really noticed him when he changed shirts and his personal assistant fussed over his new attire to a completely inhuman degree. She straightened his cuffs, she smoothed every wrinkle, she lined up every stray seam - it was all very strange. Then I noticed that he was, in fact, doing the splits while he stretched, which is a pretty neat trick for any guy who hasn't had a certain operation. Further evidence was presented when I caught a glimpse of his face (although his hair looked a mess, which is probably a testament to his on-set hair stylist), and the final nail in the coffin was his obviously brilliant idea to don a dark pair of sunglasses while he was working out. Way to keep a low profile, JCVD. That stuff only works in the gym if you're Ray Charles.